By: Destiny Rose
One day when I was alone at a place that I felt the safest, the place that was the beginning of my life, before I realized I was a person, the only place I could be myself, the only place I did not have to be the person the world expected me to be, the only place I could run to when there was the need.
I would, when I was alone, I would sit and cry. I knew I would cry so hard that it would scare the people that I loved and that loved me. I would cry so hard I would shout and scream. I would kick the the ground. I would make a fist. I would punch my remaining anger away. I would drive away, banish that horrible nasty person from inside me, the one that I always knew was not me. I would send him away. far enough that I would be free and never see him again so that I would finally be free. Free of that the person I was forced to be. A person I loathed because of his existence.
I had to wait for the right time. when clear of people because people would be frightened that I had gone mad. Maybe they would be frightened of me. I knew I was not mad but because of things, feelings and thoughts I had shared previously about certain aspects of my life. I had to wait until the people that cared for me were far away so as not to witness it as they would be frightened that I had gone mad. I knew I was not mad because of the things I have shared about my life – I thought they would become worried, frightened for me. I was okay. I was stronger with this thought. I had the support of few while I was staking on the world. It strengthened me and got me resolved to continue.
I still needed to cleanse, shake of the old and the negative, the misconceptions and regrets. I would purge, expelling the beast. The beast that lurks in dark corners waiting, eyeing me, waiting for an opportunity, the moment of weakness so that this beast that takes too much power to control could manifest itself inside of me taking control when I was distracted or weak, defeated and suffering, dismay, escaping without exerting itself – without me knowing.
When it was time I would cry, I would cry for all that I had endured. I would release it. I love every sob, each and every tear as it rolled down my cheek and dripped from my face. I would say goodbye to it and each after as I watch it fall, hit the ground changing the colour of the soil wetting it and allowing it to give life at least in some small way to life and what’s living too small I could not see. It would strengthen me to know my tears would free me. They washes away my bounds – the ones imposed, the heavy chains that were forced on me.
Finally it was time, now that I had the strength, gained the resolution I would need, I would banish this monster, escape its grasp. That monster – that over and again seemingly without effort or invitation the one that keeps dragging me down right down to a place I refused to go. I would be free of him hopefully then I could be totally free to become me.
Finally, my mum would see. I would present her with a bouquet of flowers like I used to when I was a child. At a time in my life when I did not know the things adults knew. A time when I was protected and sheltered from the things we all must deal with later in our lives. finally I was here, I was here. I was at that place. Although I tried to explain and justify to her for her own protection, I knew it was over. She might not understand while I was in front of her but she felt better over all. I was not mad and I was now the adult I should have grown to be. I was proud and would always remain proud. I was trying to stay humble and help people around me like I always had only this time I would do it without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am lighter now and I knew I could fly so high. I would now piece my life back together all that could not be repaired without the right tools. I would hug my brother to show him I am okay. It is just the beginning of my new life as me. I am now strong again.
I see it so clearly now. I see how the actions taken had changed the people around me. The people I tried to protect at the same time turning them into people that annoyed me with nagging and worries. I always have made the right decisions It has just been the wrong time. It has bought me here where my worries and caring had created people that I now needed to nurture and help to see what it has all been about. I could not make them understand even though I was showing these people how much it means to me to be clear without confusion, clear in my heart and my head. They listened because of the worries they had experienced before. I would begin to do this with my family. I understood all this and I see it clearer every day. I cannot change the past for them. I would and do wish I could, instead make a difference to the well-being and future and I would try my hardest to help them understand. I know I cannot do it on my own but with the support from my friends the few people that care about me. I would now have the support of numbers. hopefully they would come to see that I have been through this for them.
Image Source: GMA