By: Destiny Rose My mother has become very ill. She is loved by all. People I know still ask after 10 years even though they only had a meeting of a few minutes. People still ask; “how’s your mum”. She is my only light. I have been blessed with this woman. She is irrevocably the only person I know to be true, honest and sincere.
If she makes a comment, she should be heard – for she doesn’t comment unless necessary. She has no need to bullshit people or strive to hurt and deceive.
Now that she is unwell fighting for her life, I am waiting for the cavalry to appear. The trucks of people that love her to come down the street to help out and repay her kindness as it is deserved. No one came but me – the one with the saddest heart broken body and also fighting for my life. I’m the cavalry that’s a disappointment and it disappoints me to no end. For all the time I thought she would be okay and that the world would be banging down her door to help – only I arrive and I am no help. I have no reason to continue and can’t find any reason why anyone should care too.
Once a friend that is an alcoholic turned up at my door so I put him on the mattress I was sleeping and we top and tailed. As I lay there he groaned and expressed his desire to end his life. “Please hold a sword so that I may fall upon it ”; he asked “or drive it into my heart so that this pain and addiction will end”. I lay there holding the doona tight to me tears running from my eyes as I listened. I wished I could help him relieve his pain, take his addiction from him, make his future bright and what it should be. I lay there and searched so hard and deep I searched every corner of my heart to find anything to say. I sobbed silently feeling my hair become wet as the tears poured from my eyes. I gasped for breath and felt his pain. The pain of existence trapped in a body that you had no control.
I searched to find words to tell him its okay – that he is wrong. I could find nothing… I could find nothing at all to take him to a better place. I wanted to help him end it and myself at the sane time. I wanted to know he was okay and knew that the place he was seeking was somewhere other than here. I knew his pain – it was as heavy and consuming as my own and it was only new for him but yet it was as resound as my own. I lay for hours with the heaviest heart and wet pillow wishing he would have peace as he slept all the while trying to contain myself from letting the flood gates release tears for myself and what I see of my own life, my past, my future and existence…
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