By: Destiny Rose
My partner left for England. it tore us both from within. I hoped on the return we would be together again. Stronger for the absence. More in-love than before. I supported the doubts any way I could, relaying my own experiences of the fun times and personal growth I had achieved in a strange land. It was true yet it hurts. I did not want this beautiful thing, this light of my life to leave.
I kept quiet about my true feelings. I bit my tongue when I wanted to shout”please don’t go, stay and love me forever. Love me like I love you. Show me the caring I so desperately want to feel.” – the caring I have longed for for so long that seems to drift further away each day. I did not speak up. I kept it inside.I went to the airport to say my goodbyes. I wanted to hold on so tight with that last hug. I did not want to let go. I wanted to squeeze so tight frightened I would loose my grip and never be able to gain it again. I wanted to breathe in the warm scent of familiarity, of cologne and fabric softener, of a person’s scent that is never the same on any two people. The scent I was so used to smelling when I felt safe. I wanted to feel the touch of lips on mine – lips so sweet. I closed my eyes when we kissed. I did not want to see or know anything else for that moment. I only wanted to feel the lips I longed to kiss – hold the body I had longed to be near. At that moment we connected again. We shared the same thing, the same love. It was a moment that was reciprocated, that was pure. what we once had. After what seemed like forever yet still not enough we had to let go. We were too past the point of return. The world was waiting, the plane the new challenges.
I watched as my love moved away from me thru the immigration doors, down a corridor that had no end. a corridor I knew would continue, slowly weaving to a plane that would taxi down a run way that did not lead to me. I watched with my heart in my throat. I watched as the distance between us grew. It grew like it had before. It grew in front of my eyes, making my heart hurt more than before. It grew wider and deeper with every step. I waited.. It was the last turn where I would lose sight on my love. I wanted to call out ” don’t go… I love you. I need you to stay”. Everything inside me wanted to run into that forbidden corridor and grab on so tight. I wanted to whisper into his ear over and over “I love you, I do not want to spend my life wishing you were by my side, regretting that you were not near”. It was too late. I watched and waited for the last time when our eyes would meet. I would be able to read it all at that time. I would feel it all for that moment. I did and it was instant. It was a moment that burnt into my mind. Neither wanted to part. Neither wanted it over. The love was still there. It had been buried in hurt and despair. It is a moment that I have relived, treasure for what seems like an eternity. The last time I would feel the eyes of love peering into my soul. The last time I would be sure I was loved for the right reasons, not for what I was or had to offer – the time I was loved because I am me. The moment before I was truly alone.
I went home that day. I cried into my pillow. I picked up the other on the side that was not mine. I pressed my face against it as I breathed in so deeply cherishing the scent of my love it was so strong, so fresh. I breathed in again cherishing the memories that flowed with it. I hugged it so tight wishing it was him. I cried that night until I fell asleep. I saved the pillow and smelt it for comfort. I noticed each time the scent was fading, being replaced with my own. I did not want it to disappear.
I would be doing the laundry and find a jumper that was not mine. I would smell it and find my love back in the room with me again. It would make me warm and it would make me sad for I knew the one I loved so much was truly gone!
Image Source: GMA