By: Destiny Rose
Everyday I try and with each try all I can guarantee is my own humiliation. When you’re nice, normal and kind you are greeted with smiles and warmth. When you have done nothing wrong – not seeking anything but respect and company and to live, exist and just be there, everyone is there and cares and offers there time and help if you may need it – for what ever reason.
In the times you do ask, need it and feel you are not able to accomplish the task at hand, everyone seems to be busy or unavailable.. disappeared. It leaves me to wonder that when they do say yes; lets meet and discuss it, it is only because they know they will get the gossip on you and the unedited version so they can be nosy and know the depth of your pain.
Humans are hideous creatures that are the most cruel, selfish beings in the galaxy and I wish I was not one of them.
To be a goldfish in a bowl of dirty water that does not get fed as often as it should – would be a better existence from what I have now.
When I look back on my life and the things I have done, they are small things for me but big things in other people’s eyes. I don’t do things and expect anything in return except a thank you and to enjoy the moment when I see their eyes and know they are astonished, excited or relieved. As a Tauren it is our nature to buy practical presents – not just shiny things to impress, but things to better someone’s life – to make it easier for their existence.
I don’t go a day without noticing what someone is without. Whether they realise it or not. I notice the person on the street that could do with shoe polish or a lady struggling with shopping that I realise has to get all the way home whether by bus or car then to the house that they live. I see the homeless and the rich and the thing that makes their life incomplete or unfulfilled. I see all of the pain on faces I don’t know. I carry that pain and I wish I didn’t.
Going through my own pain I realise that for me i want a tattoo on my fingers just above my palm. Each finger with a number – starting from the smallest with 5 then 4,3,2 with the thumb having 0. Maybe then when I look at it each day I will realise I am alone. Standing alone in a world of billions.
5,4,3,2,0 because I realise, there is no 1 (no one).
Image Source: GMA
By: Destiny Rose My mother has become very ill. She is loved by all. People I know still ask after 10 years even though they only had a meeting of a few minutes. People still ask; “how’s your mum”. She is my only light. I have been blessed with this woman. She is irrevocably the only person I know to be true, honest and sincere.
If she makes a comment, she should be heard – for she doesn’t comment unless necessary. She has no need to bullshit people or strive to hurt and deceive.
Now that she is unwell fighting for her life, I am waiting for the cavalry to appear. The trucks of people that love her to come down the street to help out and repay her kindness as it is deserved. No one came but me – the one with the saddest heart broken body and also fighting for my life. I’m the cavalry that’s a disappointment and it disappoints me to no end. For all the time I thought she would be okay and that the world would be banging down her door to help – only I arrive and I am no help. I have no reason to continue and can’t find any reason why anyone should care too.
Once a friend that is an alcoholic turned up at my door so I put him on the mattress I was sleeping and we top and tailed. As I lay there he groaned and expressed his desire to end his life. “Please hold a sword so that I may fall upon it ”; he asked “or drive it into my heart so that this pain and addiction will end”. I lay there holding the doona tight to me tears running from my eyes as I listened. I wished I could help him relieve his pain, take his addiction from him, make his future bright and what it should be. I lay there and searched so hard and deep I searched every corner of my heart to find anything to say. I sobbed silently feeling my hair become wet as the tears poured from my eyes. I gasped for breath and felt his pain. The pain of existence trapped in a body that you had no control.
I searched to find words to tell him its okay – that he is wrong. I could find nothing… I could find nothing at all to take him to a better place. I wanted to help him end it and myself at the sane time. I wanted to know he was okay and knew that the place he was seeking was somewhere other than here. I knew his pain – it was as heavy and consuming as my own and it was only new for him but yet it was as resound as my own. I lay for hours with the heaviest heart and wet pillow wishing he would have peace as he slept all the while trying to contain myself from letting the flood gates release tears for myself and what I see of my own life, my past, my future and existence…
Image Source: GMA