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Dealing with Pain when there was No One Around

welcome By: Destiny Rose
Everyday I try and with each try all I can guarantee is my own humiliation. When you’re nice, normal and kind you are greeted with smiles and warmth. When you have done nothing wrong – not seeking anything but respect and company and to live, exist and just be there, everyone is there and cares and offers there time and help if you may need it – for what ever reason.

In the times you do ask, need it and feel you are not able to accomplish the task at hand, everyone seems to be busy or unavailable.. disappeared. It leaves me to wonder that when they do say yes; lets meet and discuss it, it is only because they know they will get the gossip on you and the unedited version so they can be nosy and know the depth of your pain.

Humans are hideous creatures that are the most cruel, selfish beings in the galaxy and I wish I was not one of them.

To be a goldfish in a bowl of dirty water that does not get fed as often as it should – would be a better existence from what I have now.

When I look back on my life and the things I have done, they are small things for me but big things in other people’s eyes. I don’t do things and expect anything in return except a thank you and to enjoy the moment when I see their eyes and know they are astonished, excited or relieved. As a Tauren it is our nature to buy practical presents – not just shiny things to impress, but things to better someone’s life – to make it easier for their existence.

I don’t go a day without noticing what someone is without. Whether they realise it or not. I notice the person on the street that could do with shoe polish or a lady struggling with shopping that I realise has to get all the way home whether by bus or car then to the house that they live. I see the homeless and the rich and the thing that makes their life incomplete or unfulfilled. I see all of the pain on faces I don’t know. I carry that pain and I wish I didn’t.

Going through my own pain I realise that for me i want a tattoo on my fingers just above my palm. Each finger with a number – starting from the smallest with 5 then 4,3,2 with the thumb having 0. Maybe then when I look at it each day I will realise I am alone. Standing alone in a world of billions.

5,4,3,2,0 because I realise, there is no 1 (no one).

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How to Help Someone when you Need it the Most?

welcome By: Destiny Rose My mother has become very ill. She is loved by all. People I know still ask after 10 years even though they only had a meeting of a few minutes. People still ask; “how’s your mum”. She is my only light. I have been blessed with this woman. She is irrevocably the only person I know to be true, honest and sincere.

If she makes a comment, she should be heard – for she doesn’t comment unless necessary. She has no need to bullshit people or strive to hurt and deceive.

Now that she is unwell fighting for her life, I am waiting for the cavalry to appear. The trucks of people that love her to come down the street to help out and repay her kindness as it is deserved. No one came but me – the one with the saddest heart broken body and also fighting for my life. I’m the cavalry that’s a disappointment and it disappoints me to no end. For all the time I thought she would be okay and that the world would be banging down her door to help – only I arrive and I am no help. I have no reason to continue and can’t find any reason why anyone should care too.

Once a friend that is an alcoholic turned up at my door so I put him on the mattress I was sleeping and we top and tailed. As I lay there he groaned and expressed his desire to end his life. “Please hold a sword so that I may fall upon it ”; he asked “or drive it into my heart so that this pain and addiction will end”. I lay there holding the doona tight to me tears running from my eyes as I listened. I wished I could help him relieve his pain, take his addiction from him, make his future bright and what it should be. I lay there and searched so hard and deep I searched every corner of my heart to find anything to say. I sobbed silently feeling my hair become wet as the tears poured from my eyes. I gasped for breath and felt his pain. The pain of existence trapped in a body that you had no control.

I searched to find words to tell him its okay – that he is wrong. I could find nothing… I could find nothing at all to take him to a better place. I wanted to help him end it and myself at the sane time. I wanted to know he was okay and knew that the place he was seeking was somewhere other than here. I knew his pain – it was as heavy and consuming as my own and it was only new for him but yet it was as resound as my own. I lay for hours with the heaviest heart and wet pillow wishing he would have peace as he slept all the while trying to contain myself from letting the flood gates release tears for myself and what I see of my own life, my past, my future and existence…

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My Bout with Depression

welcome By: Destiny Rose
Its to hard to get up again – too hard to start fresh. I know I must do it as there is no way out. I don’t have the energy or want to go on. I don’t want to forge my way through life and gather what I had. I lay thinking on how can I – why do I want to strive? I have done it already – reached my peak and succeeded. I don’t want to be a broken someone that’s striving but meek. I think of the task; all that needs to be done and I can find a start from the hundreds, a start that’s just one. I lay here for hours and fret before sleep. I lay sweating profusely for the clarity I seek. It doesn’t come at all… I’m left with no end. How I can put this life back together, start it on the mend?

Each day I try to muster the strength to succeed to take me back to a time when I don’t have the struggling to find the coin for a feed. I know it will get better, I have been told that it’s so, I just can’t see it yet right now as my life has no glow. Oh how I wish things were different easier less stressed I do wish it were easier to get up and get dressed. But for now it’s a big mess that I’m left to endure. A mess that my life left me in. A mess that’s for sure…..

No one can help me or direct me to be free. Nor can they understand the pain that’s in me. There’s no one there when I look there’s no one to ask, I stand here alone to help it seems not with this burden, this task. They all say that they are my friend but where are they now? They say they will be there to help but it seems not help with the mend. So I stand here alone the task grows by the day it grows big like a mountain, you can see for away. It grow with every thought, every action each day. It grows far too big for me – making my days turn to grey.

I wish I could shed all the stuff from my life. I wish I could clear it out – for now it’s the cause of my strife. It must be depression.
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Losing My Love

welcome By: Destiny Rose
My partner left for England. it tore us both from within. I hoped on the return we would be together again. Stronger for the absence. More in-love than before. I supported the doubts any way I could, relaying my own experiences of the fun times and personal growth I had achieved in a strange land. It was true yet it hurts. I did not want this beautiful thing, this light of my life to leave.

I kept quiet about my true feelings. I bit my tongue when I wanted to shout”please don’t go, stay and love me forever. Love me like I love you. Show me the caring I so desperately want to feel.” – the caring I have longed for for so long that seems to drift further away each day. I did not speak up. I kept it inside.I went to the airport to say my goodbyes. I wanted to hold on so tight with that last hug. I did not want to let go. I wanted to squeeze so tight frightened I would loose my grip and never be able to gain it again. I wanted to breathe in the warm scent of familiarity, of cologne and fabric softener, of a person’s scent that is never the same on any two people. The scent I was so used to smelling when I felt safe. I wanted to feel the touch of lips on mine – lips so sweet. I closed my eyes when we kissed. I did not want to see or know anything else for that moment. I only wanted to feel the lips I longed to kiss – hold the body I had longed to be near. At that moment we connected again. We shared the same thing, the same love. It was a moment that was reciprocated, that was pure. what we once had. After what seemed like forever yet still not enough we had to let go. We were too past the point of return. The world was waiting, the plane the new challenges.

I watched as my love moved away from me thru the immigration doors, down a corridor that had no end. a corridor I knew would continue, slowly weaving to a plane that would taxi down a run way that did not lead to me. I watched with my heart in my throat. I watched as the distance between us grew. It grew like it had before. It grew in front of my eyes, making my heart hurt more than before. It grew wider and deeper with every step. I waited.. It was the last turn where I would lose sight on my love. I wanted to call out ” don’t go… I love you. I need you to stay”. Everything inside me wanted to run into that forbidden corridor and grab on so tight. I wanted to whisper into his ear over and over “I love you, I do not want to spend my life wishing you were by my side, regretting that you were not near”. It was too late. I watched and waited for the last time when our eyes would meet. I would be able to read it all at that time. I would feel it all for that moment. I did and it was instant. It was a moment that burnt into my mind. Neither wanted to part. Neither wanted it over. The love was still there. It had been buried in hurt and despair. It is a moment that I have relived, treasure for what seems like an eternity. The last time I would feel the eyes of love peering into my soul. The last time I would be sure I was loved for the right reasons, not for what I was or had to offer – the time I was loved because I am me. The moment before I was truly alone.

I went home that day. I cried into my pillow. I picked up the other on the side that was not mine. I pressed my face against it as I breathed in so deeply cherishing the scent of my love it was so strong, so fresh. I breathed in again cherishing the memories that flowed with it. I hugged it so tight wishing it was him. I cried that night until I fell asleep. I saved the pillow and smelt it for comfort. I noticed each time the scent was fading, being replaced with my own. I did not want it to disappear.

I would be doing the laundry and find a jumper that was not mine. I would smell it and find my love back in the room with me again. It would make me warm and it would make me sad for I knew the one I loved so much was truly gone!
Image Source: GMA

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Freeing Myself

welcome By: Destiny Rose
One day when I was alone at a place that I felt the safest, the place that was the beginning of my life, before I realized I was a person, the only place I could be myself, the only place I did not have to be the person the world expected me to be, the only place I could run to when there was the need.

I would, when I was alone, I would sit and cry. I knew I would cry so hard that it would scare the people that I loved and that loved me. I would cry so hard I would shout and scream. I would kick the the ground. I would make a fist. I would punch my remaining anger away. I would drive away, banish that horrible nasty person from inside me, the one that I always knew was not me. I would send him away. far enough that I would be free and never see him again so that I would finally be free. Free of that the person I was forced to be. A person I loathed because of his existence.

I had to wait for the right time. when clear of people because people would be frightened that I had gone mad. Maybe they would be frightened of me. I knew I was not mad but because of things, feelings and thoughts I had shared previously about certain aspects of my life. I had to wait until the people that cared for me were far away so as not to witness it as they would be frightened that I had gone mad. I knew I was not mad because of the things I have shared about my life – I thought they would become worried, frightened for me. I was okay. I was stronger with this thought. I had the support of few while I was staking on the world. It strengthened me and got me resolved to continue.

I still needed to cleanse, shake of the old and the negative, the misconceptions and regrets. I would purge, expelling the beast. The beast that lurks in dark corners waiting, eyeing me, waiting for an opportunity, the moment of weakness so that this beast that takes too much power to control could manifest itself inside of me taking control when I was distracted or weak, defeated and suffering, dismay, escaping without exerting itself – without me knowing.

When it was time I would cry, I would cry for all that I had endured. I would release it. I love every sob, each and every tear as it rolled down my cheek and dripped from my face. I would say goodbye to it and each after as I watch it fall, hit the ground changing the colour of the soil wetting it and allowing it to give life at least in some small way to life and what’s living too small I could not see. It would strengthen me to know my tears would free me. They washes away my bounds – the ones imposed, the heavy chains that were forced on me.

Finally it was time, now that I had the strength, gained the resolution I would need, I would banish this monster, escape its grasp. That monster – that over and again seemingly without effort or invitation the one that keeps dragging me down right down to a place I refused to go. I would be free of him hopefully then I could be totally free to become me.

Finally, my mum would see. I would present her with a bouquet of flowers like I used to when I was a child. At a time in my life when I did not know the things adults knew. A time when I was protected and sheltered from the things we all must deal with later in our lives. finally I was here, I was here. I was at that place. Although I tried to explain and justify to her for her own protection, I knew it was over. She might not understand while I was in front of her but she felt better over all. I was not mad and I was now the adult I should have grown to be. I was proud and would always remain proud. I was trying to stay humble and help people around me like I always had only this time I would do it without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am lighter now and I knew I could fly so high. I would now piece my life back together all that could not be repaired without the right tools. I would hug my brother to show him I am okay. It is just the beginning of my new life as me. I am now strong again.

I see it so clearly now. I see how the actions taken had changed the people around me. The people I tried to protect at the same time turning them into people that annoyed me with nagging and worries. I always have made the right decisions It has just been the wrong time. It has bought me here where my worries and caring had created people that I now needed to nurture and help to see what it has all been about. I could not make them understand even though I was showing these people how much it means to me to be clear without confusion, clear in my heart and my head. They listened because of the worries they had experienced before. I would begin to do this with my family. I understood all this and I see it clearer every day. I cannot change the past for them. I would and do wish I could, instead make a difference to the well-being and future and I would try my hardest to help them understand. I know I cannot do it on my own but with the support from my friends the few people that care about me. I would now have the support of numbers. hopefully they would come to see that I have been through this for them.
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